Pro & Con

I sat down to write a pro/con list & it occurred to me that it was pointless. Something was stopping me from making a change and making that damn list was not going to sway me in the correct direction. Even if I could be fair and put more pros than cons it still wouldn’t help me make the switch in my mind. It occurred to me that for the first time in awhile I had began to settle out of fear. I was scared to try something new and gamble on what I had grown to appreciate. However, the idea I was now neglecting, came from realizing I outgrew my appreciation. I needed a push. An epiphany. An idea that would excite me past my guilt of leaving something comfortable behind & propel me into my next adventure.

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Reframe the loss

The question needs to stop being “do you miss him” and start being “what are you going to do in his absence?”

We don’t know if love lost is ever truly gone. We can’t predict if it circles back to around.

Leave hope & old loves things in a knapsack buried in your closet. Being wishful is not a thought you should fixate on.

Make a life so busy that you become forgetful in all the right ways. Your newfound independence is precious so treat it curiously & with patience.

Anxiety in the workplace

Anxiety is hidden like mold in the creases of your experiences. I feel mine intensely when beginning a new job. But it has tiers for example needing to ask questions but only smart ones and even if they’re smart not too many because it could annoy employer also what time of day is employer most stressed so that I’m not asking questions then. How important does a question need to be to ask employer when they are already busy. What tasks can I attempt on my own to avoid asking questions at inopportune times at the risk of doing it wrong and not wasting a large amount of companies money or time.

This is all day. Constant. The aesthetics of being a smart, effective, intuitive worker.

My anxiety working for me and against me to maintain professionalism.

I’m exhausted.

Ridiculous Common Phrases Pt. I

“& then, out of nowhere…”

This phrase gets used so often that people don’t realize how moronic they sound. & im a hypocrite because I say it too. I’ve realized that we use it to describe a scenario that confuses us but instead of just saying that we try to make it seem like what occurred should be improbable. I also feel like we use it when there’s emotions attached to a person, item, etc of significance in the story. i.e. “we were having a good day & then out of nowhere she was upset with me” also similarly phrased “we were texting everyday & then all of this sudden he quit talking to me.”

It strikes me that using phrases like this are intended to place blame on another other individual and ultimately solve little in opposition of self reflection.

Studying behavior is powerful. Analyzing behavior and being objective can lead you to the answer of most questions you have about another persons actions. You have to look at motivating factors. Truth is most people don’t act “out of character,” so whatever happened to cause you feeling like they had changed stemmed from a reaction of something else… likely predictable.

Being thankful for the journey

Your first love. That puppy dog love that you swear will never die. Your high school sweetie.The one that puts butterfly’s in your stomach and introduces you to your romantic side.

This love with teach you a lot about boundaries and expectations or at least it did for me. It will illuminate that differences can be two large for love to make exceptions for. It will likely be the first and only time you love naively. It will set the precedent for all future reflection on relationships. This love can be a blessed lesson to build upon if you’d let it. Through the good and the bad memories you can’t deny when looking at old photos the way you loved them with every breath.

Your second love. The one that may be your last (the lucky ones). Your college love. The one who drives you wild and takes you on a journey of self discovery.

This love will teach you to be unapologetically who you are. He is a prominent step in showing you purpose and how to serve another without leaving yourself behind. This love will come at a time of making tough decisions while indulging day by day. You genuinely laugh from your gut and learn time with someone is not guaranteed. & Typically have so much sensual and risky sex you won’t soon forget. This love is your spontaneous spirit being reflected back at you.

If you have a third love you will realize Sheryl Crow was wrong & the first cut is not the deepest.

You meet your third love and you put in work. You feel prepared to build a home and a life around this individual. They are your best friend. You begin to wonder if you even really loved the first two. This significant other is a physical manifestation of reality and fantasy intertwined. You see all their flaws and love them whole. This relationship is grown and mature. No body odor, personal secret or past mistake could put bitterness in your heart toward them.

If this love is not the final stop in your journey it will leave you in ruins. From the ground up total reconstruction will begin. You may toss out everything you thought you knew and decide if falling in love is for you.

For me. I can’t get enough. The pain and pleasure both are worth it. The nature of contrast puts value in everything.

My Time

Honestly, all the sudden a switch just flipped in my head. I had the epiphany I could put into action. I had become okay with receiving no answer from those who had hurt me over the last year. I have figured out to create my own solace.

If I had really tried or looked hard enough I would see there are plenty of friends in the community waiting for me to be reciprocal towards a friendship with them. I quit being lazy at night. I forced myself to get out of the house and visit friends. I didn’t let my relationship with naps and Hulu take up a large portion of my time. I’m so behind on shows I used to watch and yet when I come home I clean instead of binging.

I have decided to stop indulging in the drama that could easily be my life. Bottom line is that people are going to act how they want to act. My reaction is the only relevant part of the storyline.

I used to HATE my mom repeatedly telling me “kill em with kindness,” but it’s so much easier. Having bitterness and hatred only acts like poison on my progress. I want now to be healthy in all aspects of my life and grow for myself. To grind and take myself on adventures. I want to change my image and be a public figure for kindness, honesty and positive mental health. I want to be one less indifferent person walking this earth.