Relationship Mindset Part I

I’m not the girl who seeks shelter in your home. I’m not the girl who becomes one with your work schedule. I’m not the girl who wants to do every hobby you have. I’m not the girl who’s expecting daily phone calls. I’m not the girl who hangs on your every word because my confidence begs on it. I’m not the girl who’s always going to tell you how I feel about you. I’m not the girl who’s going to be your world.

Because you can’t be my world.

You’re gonna have to watch my subtle actions and acknowledgements. You’re going to listen to my tone and how I speak with you. You’re going to want to pay attention to the amount of laughter and praise I give you. You’re going to want to watch my face light up and feel the energy I have as I hold you close.

I’ve learned that intensity is not the issue but rather consistentcy with today’s relationships.

I’m going to attempt to give you someone who doesn’t occupy your every moment. I aspire to create a quality atmosphere where you feel encouraged to share yourself with me and still keep your independent self.

I want an individual to grow alongside me not change to become me.


Opening up

Hi friends, I don’t post much on here but I wanted to say something real quick.

I was hanging out with my roommates and some other friends last night and towards the end of the board games and Nintendo smash bros I began to have a more in depth conversation.

He made the comment to me “you seem like you’re actually pretty sensitive.” Without hesitation I said back “yes, I’m very sensitive.”

This might seem a little insignificant to others but it felt good to have honesty come out of my mouth without anxiety or thought about it first.

He received the confirmation with a smile. It was refreshing to have someone not reject or become withdrawn from the conversation me because I shared this inner truth.

I have been called cold, frigid, abrasive, rude, bitchy and (my least favorite) heartless…all in the last year.

I’ve been working hard to change those reactions from conversations with me.

I don’t want people to see me as someone who is numb or indifferent just because my anxiety holds back my actual feelings.

I’m beginning to think that being transparent is one of the best gifts you could share with another individual. What’s the point in creating friendships from a false experience of yourself?

Pro & Con

I sat down to write a pro/con list & it occurred to me that it was pointless. Something was stopping me from making a change and making that damn list was not going to sway me in the correct direction. Even if I could be fair and put more pros than cons it still wouldn’t help me make the switch in my mind. It occurred to me that for the first time in awhile I had began to settle out of fear. I was scared to try something new and gamble on what I had grown to appreciate. However, the idea I was now neglecting, came from realizing I outgrew my appreciation. I needed a push. An epiphany. An idea that would excite me past my guilt of leaving something comfortable behind & propel me into my next adventure.

Reframe the loss

The question needs to stop being “do you miss him” and start being “what are you going to do in his absence?”

We don’t know if love lost is ever truly gone. We can’t predict if it circles back to around.

Leave hope & old loves things in a knapsack buried in your closet. Being wishful is not a thought you should fixate on.

Make a life so busy that you become forgetful in all the right ways. Your newfound independence is precious so treat it curiously & with patience.

Anxiety in the workplace

Anxiety is hidden like mold in the creases of your experiences. I feel mine intensely when beginning a new job. But it has tiers for example needing to ask questions but only smart ones and even if they’re smart not too many because it could annoy employer also what time of day is employer most stressed so that I’m not asking questions then. How important does a question need to be to ask employer when they are already busy. What tasks can I attempt on my own to avoid asking questions at inopportune times at the risk of doing it wrong and not wasting a large amount of companies money or time.

This is all day. Constant. The aesthetics of being a smart, effective, intuitive worker.

My anxiety working for me and against me to maintain professionalism.

I’m exhausted.

Ridiculous Common Phrases Pt. I

“& then, out of nowhere…”

This phrase gets used so often that people don’t realize how moronic they sound. & im a hypocrite because I say it too. I’ve realized that we use it to describe a scenario that confuses us but instead of just saying that we try to make it seem like what occurred should be improbable. I also feel like we use it when there’s emotions attached to a person, item, etc of significance in the story. i.e. “we were having a good day & then out of nowhere she was upset with me” also similarly phrased “we were texting everyday & then all of this sudden he quit talking to me.”

It strikes me that using phrases like this are intended to place blame on another other individual and ultimately solve little in opposition of self reflection.

Studying behavior is powerful. Analyzing behavior and being objective can lead you to the answer of most questions you have about another persons actions. You have to look at motivating factors. Truth is most people don’t act “out of character,” so whatever happened to cause you feeling like they had changed stemmed from a reaction of something else… likely predictable.